I Need To Be

I Need To Be

I am sitting here in my room looking out the window, watching the days go by. I wonder what life would have been. What would I have done differently? I know, I would have made love the last thing on my mind. I have realized that they have all lied to me. They want me to be the same the same as them and I am not going to do it, it is not possible. Could they not see it? I was different and some thing of an oddity. I was a color of red in the middle of brown.
It is getting dark outside, hard to see what is happening, hard to be, just to be. I crave the thought of just existing. Just existing is just another way of saying I am giving up. Leave me a lone. I have pain, pain in me, pain in my heart, pain in my mind, my thoughts, my emotions.
Why am I here?
I cry, but no tears.
I laugh with no reason.
I hurt with no physical damage.
It seems I exist in twos.
I find myself wondering about my youth. What happen to my youth? I wish I had done, knowing, what would it have mattered. I waited for it to happen and nothing did. They told me that it would happen when you at least expected. It is when you are not searching for it is when you'll find it. Am I the only one who finds this to be crazy? Help me to understand. Why death? Why do our bodies waste away?
I have stopped growing. They say if you are not growing you are dying.
Oh, God! I am dying.
I feel that some parts of me had died.
I feel the ach of the loss.
Some parts of me are lost.
I feel the ach of the loss.
I wish that life had some meaning. No, they said it did. But they said some invisible man told them that we do. He has a plan. Maybe it doesn’t include me, maybe it does. I am the comedy. What bad comedy.
I feel the pain again. Its power is overwhelming and outstanding. I feel the hurt, the sorrow of it all but I find that logic can calm me. I have the knowledge. They do say that knowledge is power. It does have power, knowledge killed God. It killed God in me. I feel the power of the universe but knowledge lets me wonder no more.
I look out the window. I see the darkness, but that is all that it is, darkness. We all have to face it; we all have to fear it. We cannot control it. It is its own master. It has no face, no thought, just is.
I look out the window and see the sun rise. No mystery there. It comes and it goes. No magic. Logic, logic the light is out there. I have found no equal.
I look out the window and find myself needing to open the world to me.
I need to be.
-fred